Just A Drunken Rant
by an0nymouz
Summary: One shot of Barney and Robin at the bar. Just something an idea that I got while having a HIMYM marathon and I felt like writing it.


Barney and Robin were the last two to still be at the bar, as per usual. They were talking about nothing but enjoying themselves with the buzz of nice scotch surrounding them. At one point, Robin realized just how drunk Barney was. He was slurring his words, and he was gesturing with his hands, even more wildly than he usually would. She lost count of how much scotch they've had but she figured she was probably just as drunk.

"I'm the worst at relationships! Hey, you should know first hand!"

Robin smiled. Barney is so adorable when he's drunk!

"See? Even if I want to be in a relationship, I can't! Because I suck at it so much that it would never work! So I'll always be alone."

_Whoa, how did it become so sad so quickly? Why are we talking about relationships in the first place?_ Robin reached her hand out to grab Barney's.

"I couldn't even make it work with someone as awesome as you. How would it ever work with anyone else? Anyone less awesome? Or maybe you're too awesome for me."

Robin ran her thumb over the back of Barney's hand. He continued...

"And the worst part is, I actually made you less awesome by being with me! What kind of awesome person does that to another awesome person?"

"You know, that time when I finally realized that you were upset about our breakup and all that. And I gave you my super date. That chick was hot bee tee dub! What's her name? Oooh, the things she offered to do to me..."

Barney gazed upwards, wrapped up in his imagination.

"Anyways, that was when I realized, I mean I always knew that I was a terrible boyfriend, but that was when I realized that I was an even worse ex-boyfriend! Not only did I fail to make you happy but I actually made you upset. And you actually cried because of something I did."

Robin heard the sincerity in his voice and her heart was doing a funny thing. And that seemed to sober her up quite effectively.

"Props to Ted, the stupid super date worked! Didn't you bang Don that night? Oh, Don! He made you happy. See, men like that deserve an awesome woman like you. He knew how to make you happy. Sure, the end kinda sucked for you, and I am sorry about what happened. I was rooting for you guys. Well, not really. But I didn't hate him. Not a lot. So that's a big step. But at least when you were with him, you were happy. How do I make women happy, Robin? Why do I have to always be such a disappointment?"

"I couldn't even convince you that I cared about you. I don't even think you ever believed that I was in love with you. I mean, why should anyone? I'm just Barney. I'm just that guy."

Robin felt a pang of guilt right in her stomach. She failed at her attempt to put a word in because Barney didn't miss one beat.

"And I couldn't even be upset about our breakup, because that's not who I am. People don't expect me to be sad over a girl. People expect me to be awesome. So I had to be awesome, even though I just blew my only chance with the perfect woman. I had to be Barney all the time because the world always needs my awesomeness."

"I envy Ted. He can just fall in love with a girl, tell said girl he loves her, pursue her and date her, and if things don't work out, he can just move on. I wish I could do that. Just move on. Hell, it took me a year to finally tell you that I loved you and we only dated for a few months. And it's been 1.5 years and I'm still waiting for the moving on part. Why can't I be Ted? You know what, don't answer that. And don't tell anyone that I've said that I wanted to be Ted."

"I'm just not made for this relationship thing. I'm better off alone. No more falling in love and acting like an idiot. No more heartbreaks. And most importantly, no more un-awesoming awesome women! There are so few of them in existence and I can't be the reason they're extinct!"

"Okay, so it's decided then?"

Robin looked up at Barney questioningly. Barney had this...look... He seemed...sad?

"That I'm supposed to die alone! Challenge accepted!"

"Last call!" Robin heard Carl shout from the bar before she could say anything. She looked up at him and wiped the tears from her eyes. Wait, when did she start crying?

Robin took a deep breath to calm herself down and then stood up. Barney looked at her confusedly; he probably didn't hear Carl.

"Come on, buddy, let's get you on the couch upstairs."

Barney smiled at Robin and it made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. And she scolded herself for even thinking about warm and fuzzy in the same sentence, especially with her feelings involved.

Robin helped Barney up and wrapped an arm around his waist to keep him steady. Barney slung his arm around Robin's shoulder. Then, in an impulse, Robin turned her head and gave Barney a peck on the cheek, and let it linger.

It took a great effort to help Barney up the steps into their apartment. And once they were in, Barney immediately dropped onto the couch, face down, and passed out.

"You're gonna have a rough morning, aren't you?" Robin ran a hand through Barney's hair and went to grab a pillow and blanket for him.


End file.
